Education
A cram school marketing team came to my junior high school and they invited the students and their parents to their event in the school's makeshift auditorium (2 or 3 classes separated by sliding gates). They had a challenge, that is to memorize some 20+ digits of number. I waited for a while and no one raised their hand, so I did and it was easy for me. The marketer guy told us that my parents should be proud, that someday I am going to be a professor. He also gave me a t-shirt with the cram school logo.
I don't think that was a feat because it was not a school where smart people go. But I can say that I was smart enough to have gone to the cool junior high schools. One supporting proof is that there was something like an IQ test (I don't remember exactly what it was) in elementary school and I was categorized as "Special Smart" (idk how to translate "Cerdas Istimewa" sorry, maybe a more fitting translation would be "Gifted" but idk) amongst like only 3 other kids in my class. I think I didn't care much about education or prestigious schools because I had very little regret for not studying, and corollary going into a below average junior high school.
I got a good score in the high school entrance's national exam and it got me into an above average high school. I cared enough to study a bit this time, but not hard enough. I also thought of going to a vocational high school where a lot of my friends wanted to go (it was mid, i didn't know better). I wanted to be able to make money faster lol.
I got to meet with some of my elementary school friends again in high school. I related more with the people in high school than in junior high school. This is because my culture and upbringing was too different with the people in my junior high school. I didn't really get them and they didn't really get me but I still made some good friends. High school was significantly better. It was also in the city! (this matters so much in my province) My colleague network quality was improved significantly.
But now, I regret not taking high school seriously and not being able to go to a top uni. This was my mistake and I acknowledge it. I spent all of my time playing around and doing silly stuff. I also didn't know that I am going to be more interested in physics. I have also regretted taking informatics, thinking that electronics engineering is cooler because I get to work with lower level stuff. I think my interest in physics is an extrapolation of this. I don't know, maybe in a few years I will be interested in math? An event that made me found my base again in informatics/computer science was the release of ChatGPT on November of 2022. I started reading about LLMs and machine learning in general from then, and it interested me.
I feel a bit sad that I am somehow forced to do undergrad because in my country you need a minimum of bachelor's degree to get a good (for your personal wellbeing), enough-paying job. This is a very complicated problem and I don't want to go deep in here. One example of what this has caused is a downgrade in the quality of HEIs, and corollary the graduates, and corollary, corollary, corollary...
I feel like I am betraying academia. I am just here for the money. I feel bad. I feel that a lot of people in this country is also betraying academia. Fakes are what me and other people are. And I have just recently knew that this is a global problem. This makes me even sadder.
My short-term plan is to finish my undergrad and to find a job after. I would really like to switch careers as a researcher if conditions (mainly time and money) permit. I would maybe retake undergrad and do it seriously this time. I am thinking of taking physics. I want to learn to know things, not to attain wealth. I am fascinated by old academia. Not the elitism, but the study. The "tier one" fields. I do not like MBAs and the likings, if you get me, you get me.
A more realistic plan is i want to live overseas. Maybe put my skills to work and gain some riches in a dynamic place and retire to a peaceful country with the money i collected. I will most likely work as a programmer. But I don't enjoy programming for other people. Someday I won't have to program, and only do programming when I want to. Making cool, funny projects, free from other's expectations and reins. Making art, essentially. I want to make art in other forms too. I really like drawing, I want to learn to paint, and I really want to learn music.
This plan also works on my desire to learn, to know more. I would get to learn anything on my own terms, free from the construct and idolatry of academia. After thinking more, I think this is what I actually want in regards to learning. Learning on my own, not being in something. Actually, I have thought of the idea of being free for a while too. But this is something meta, out of the scope of this writing. Maybe I will write about "freedom" later.