i want to experience 2019 again
i miss existing
favorite activities: playing devil's advocate, steelmanning
realization: i think i'm not smart (raw compute wise). i think i just know a lot of things
liburan indie remains to be the cringiest song i have ever listened to
mau melakukan x, lebih takut sama tukang enforce budaya y daripada konsekuensinya
apparently im not depressed. i just needed to go out, get some sunlight, and talk to people.
why would you add sugar to a fruit juice? so stupid.
i want to feel fresh. not full of sugar.
llmgnomy
people that think gemini is the best. better than gpt and claude.
precocious
i think physiognomy is discriminative but i also think it is reliable
crazy how my brain works when there is 0 mental stress
i cry to worlds (and worlds live)
i thought frieren was a little girl anime. it's so good wow
"i don't have alzheimer! my brain is just so good at sifting unimportant information."
nature is heaven's interface
the air pollution fucks up my nose every time i go out. i think it wasn't this bad in pre-covid times.
japanese horror films are oddly calming for me. one series that i am fond of is "tales of terror from tokyo". i used to watch this program on a cable tv channel at night when i was younger. this feels the best if it's cold and raining.
it sucks being insensitive because everything is pent up
i am so full and i don't know how to release
for a time, my life was basically my bedroom and my kitchen
spent the whole day looking for pc parts. tiring.
i originally wanted to buy an nvidia gpu but it was out of stock back then, so i bought a radeon instead because i was impatient.
now i have a newfound interest in ml and i regret this decision...
fear of death and stress causes stress and fear of death
i miss the times when i would just push through everything
multiple tiers of priorities tends to converge into just two in times of emergency
i will make sure to install a high pressure water system in my house.
makes for quick showers. sometimes i don't want to take showers just because they are time wasting.
semua joki masuk univ, joki tugas, pemberhalaan gelar ini adalah karena pendidikan formal/gelar adalah tujuan. seharusnya pendidikan formal/gelar itu proses ke kita untuk punya pengetahuan lebih. seharusnya semua itu proses begitu. proses yang tidak akan pernah selesai.
dreams of the more ideal society...
random thought: online group chats function the best if the members meet in real life every once in a while
gov 3 letter agency guy in sac 2045 looks like the ai agent in the matrix
i thought sac 2045 was bad. it's pretty good
indo "tech bro" discourse is about the same five things and it sucks to read the same five things every day. i suppose this is because it's already hard to make a living (most of the discussion is about making money) to care about more complex stuff.
this is my favorite counter strike video
freedom is having a choice
i want to have a house with a patio, and a second floor deck so i can do activities there.
being in front of your pc 24/7 sucks. imagine having another choice of place to work with fresh air, sunlight, and a wide view of the world.
i feel like i was too young and dumb when i enrolled into uni
soft camera is a good app and i am very interested to use it more.
thing is i rarely go out so it's the same five photos everyday lol:
- cats
- back of the house
- front of the house (neighbors houses and trees)
- cats
- my pc monitor
we are creating AI in the sense of human intelligence. there are many types of intelligence in many species.
current favorite activity on instagram is unfollowing no longer relevant accounts
i was an e/acc for about two months before i realized that:
- LLMs might not be the pathway to AGI (read some yann lecun tweets)
- the people are unserious (and so many posers)
- i don't vibe with beff
i don't study buddhism but i relate with some of its main concepts
some food are for the stomach, and some are for the palate.
i think people that come from a financially insecure background doesn't realize this, and this mostly persists even after they have gained financial security.
what is art if not self expression
i was planning to create a simple personal interface for goodreads but just found out that their API is no longer publicly available. Sad!
i am told to make a lean canvas in the final exam (written instruction). but i am afraid that what my lecturer actually meant is business model canvas, because we were taught bmc, not lean canvas.
i don't want to contact them and ask because i'm too lazy. so i guess i'll just make both lol.
this has happened too much in my life. worrying about what people say might not be what they actually mean. this sucks the most in schools before uni because i couldn't just ask for clarification during the exam.
i keep forgetting that it is better to shower bottom up
until a few years ago, i used to think that "masuk angin" means there is a sac of air formed inside your body that you can force out by applying essential oil, or by getting warm by hot drinks or blankets. then i figured out that it means you have the flu lol
Education
A cram school marketing team came to my junior high school and they invited the students and their parents to their event in the school's makeshift auditorium (2 or 3 classes separated by sliding gates). They had a challenge, that is to memorize some 20+ digits of number. I waited for a while and no one raised their hand, so I did and it was easy for me. The marketer guy told us that my parents should be proud, that someday I am going to be a professor. He also gave me a t-shirt with the cram school logo.
I don't think that was a feat because it was not a school where smart people go. But I can say that I was smart enough to have gone to the cool junior high schools. One supporting proof is that there was something like an IQ test (I don't remember exactly what it was) in elementary school and I was categorized as "Special Smart" (idk how to translate "Cerdas Istimewa" sorry, maybe a more fitting translation would be "Gifted" but idk) amongst like only 3 other kids in my class. I think I didn't care much about education or prestigious schools because I had very little regret for not studying, and corollary going into a below average junior high school.
I got a good score in the high school entrance's national exam and it got me into an above average high school. I cared enough to study a bit this time, but not hard enough. I also thought of going to a vocational high school where a lot of my friends wanted to go (it was mid, i didn't know better). I wanted to be able to make money faster lol.
I got to meet with some of my elementary school friends again in high school. I related more with the people in high school than in junior high school. This is because my culture and upbringing was too different with the people in my junior high school. I didn't really get them and they didn't really get me but I still made some good friends. High school was significantly better. It was also in the city! (this matters so much in my province) My colleague network quality was improved significantly.
But now, I regret not taking high school seriously and not being able to go to a top uni. This was my mistake and I acknowledge it. I spent all of my time playing around and doing silly stuff. I also didn't know that I am going to be more interested in physics. I have also regretted taking informatics, thinking that electronics engineering is cooler because I get to work with lower level stuff. I think my interest in physics is an extrapolation of this. I don't know, maybe in a few years I will be interested in math? An event that made me found my base again in informatics/computer science was the release of ChatGPT on November of 2022. I started reading about LLMs and machine learning in general from then, and it interested me.
I feel a bit sad that I am somehow forced to do undergrad because in my country you need a minimum of bachelor's degree to get a good (for your personal wellbeing), enough-paying job. This is a very complicated problem and I don't want to go deep in here. One example of what this has caused is a downgrade in the quality of HEIs, and corollary the graduates, and corollary, corollary, corollary...
I feel like I am betraying academia. I am just here for the money. I feel bad. I feel that a lot of people in this country is also betraying academia. Fakes are what me and other people are. And I have just recently knew that this is a global problem. This makes me even sadder.
My short-term plan is to finish my undergrad and to find a job after. I would really like to switch careers as a researcher if conditions (mainly time and money) permit. I would maybe retake undergrad and do it seriously this time. I am thinking of taking physics. I want to learn to know things, not to attain wealth. I am fascinated by old academia. Not the elitism, but the study. The "tier one" fields. I do not like MBAs and the likings, if you get me, you get me.
A more realistic plan is i want to live overseas. Maybe put my skills to work and gain some riches in a dynamic place and retire to a peaceful country with the money i collected. I will most likely work as a programmer. But I don't enjoy programming for other people. Someday I won't have to program, and only do programming when I want to. Making cool, funny projects, free from other's expectations and reins. Making art, essentially. I want to make art in other forms too. I really like drawing, I want to learn to paint, and I really want to learn music.
This plan also works on my desire to learn, to know more. I would get to learn anything on my own terms, free from the construct and idolatry of academia. After thinking more, I think this is what I actually want in regards to learning. Learning on my own, not being in something. Actually, I have thought of the idea of being free for a while too. But this is something meta, out of the scope of this writing. Maybe I will write about "freedom" later.
There are multiple paths that I can take to graduate uni. I took the internship path two years ago and I failed it last semester because apparently I have to retake and pass the classes I failed, before I am allowed to finish my final assignment. I failed the classes because I was too busy managing my time between a part-time job, an internship, a mandatory uni activity (this was very tiring because the activity supervisor was inconsistent on the schedules), and the classes.
On January, I decided to take the research path instead so I can focus more on retaking classes. Some mental issues came up and I have not made much progress of the research by the end of the semester (now). I have the general idea and plan, I write a lot on my personal notes, but I have not written a single letter of code or on the research report document.
It's currently the finals weeks and tomorrow I will have the exams for the classes I am retaking. I think I will pass.
There is a deadline for the research, it is about one year from now. If I don't finish my research by then, I will have to retake the final assignment. This sucks but I have done stuff and this also will be done. If I have to retake the final assignment next year, I will take the internship path again because the final assignment for that path seems easier compared to that of two years ago.
erm