April 7th 2025. Fitful sleep per the open window would've made the day a bit of a slog but I sucked down a good cup of coffee 21g/350ml from the Hario Switch and felt pretty okay. Breakfast at Porter was a fast affair since I had to go to therapy with James Katz soon after. Main takeaway from this latest session was that I've scored lower on my check-in screening form than from when I first arrived and we got to talking about how I can improve my social relationships by being more open about my life and personal experiences which I am notoriously tight-lipped about. Mentioned the racial element -- I could somewhat be less comfortable in Santa Cruz because there's a larger population of white people than Asian people compared to back home in the South Bay Area, but I was somewhat skeptical. I mentioned off-hand that I thought I was boring and James picked up on it and really got me thinking about it. Am I actually boring? What would I consider boring? I'm not even sure I get bored all that often these days -- maybe disengaged or feeling like this event in front of me is irrelevant to what I want to do or what I like. We finished off with a couple goals and I headed back to the dorm to have that coffee. Spent the rest of the day more or less doing nothing. I did do a group assignment in a Discord call around from 3 to 4 and had dinner a couple hours later. This dinner really put me in a tailspin. The food itself was fine but Sasha's "gardening club" friend, Elliot, sat with us and I just didn't vibe with them. I mean for most of the conversation they were fine, if a bit reserved and quiet which ok, I've been there before. But I tried asking about them and tried to go on a limb and ask if they went caving with Sasha and they just said a flat "no". No facial expression, no other comment, nothing. Absolutely frigid. And I just thought to myself, God, if I ever do this to someone, just take me out back and pull the trigger!
"[Growing up] is hard and nobody understands." // https://www.homestuck.com/story/2391