and somehow 7 or 8 minutes passed in some kind of tiny nap. That should've been my first notification to take it easy the rest of the day. Instead, I just powered through my half-formed schedule. I watched the rest of the Psyc 116 video and marked up my thoughts into an outline for a reflection due later this week, bounced between photography articles and discussions and other resources, and then had dinner at Porter around 6:10. In this afternoon and early evening, my moods began to cool and become brittle, like glass. I felt a strong ambivalence to the campus, to my friends and the people I talked to, and to myself. When I did not feel ambivalence, I didn't feel anything at all. My mind stilled, slowed, and quieted, and yet my mouth still spoke. I could follow Shruti and Sasha and later Hannah in our conversation, pinging between questions and statements with a casual flow that seemed at odds, or maybe complimentary, to the rapid exunt of what I could consider myself. I felt truly and honestly lost, and I felt only more lost after dinner heading up to the dorm. And then I did some more work, because what the hell else could I have done? I washed and dried my laundry, vacuumed the floor, and filled our water tank. I folded my clothes and began to fill out the rest of my "Who Am I?" self-exploration exercise from therapy, but all I could think of — all I could worry of — was that I had no time at all, that I would see no one, that I would find no one, that in my familiarity with the Hitchcock Lounge they would all I ever saw, that I would never see Ezra again even though I did in fact see Ezra yesterday — this fear of never seeing Ezra again I write just now, not the feeling I had in the late evening and early night — that I would continue to drift like this. And then it began to settle. I finished my chores, Shruti came in with an allergic reaction, we sat them down. And now I've found the energy, little as it is but still present, to write this. I am tired, and yet also comfortable knowing that in writing all the things I did today, I did indeed do a lot; and it is no wonder I do feel tired, after doing all the things and going all the places I did today. Perspective I must gift myself more often.
"[Growing up] is hard and nobody understands." // https://www.homestuck.com/story/2391