Talked to Sasha the night of the 14th. They came back drunk, five or six drinks in, but all together. Gave a little advice. I felt like an antihero, going to sleep.
15th -- went on a long long walk down Oakes Meadow and back up through Village and Stevenson and Hagar Drive. Got a ton of photos on the GF2.
16th -- Went out to Zoccoli's with Sasha, checked out Verve and Santa Cruz Coffee Roasting. Did some studying for Psyc 125. Finally! Had dinner around 7:30 at Rachel Carson and then some of the Porter Instagram Group (I should just refer to them as the Hitchcock Lounge regulars -- that's apparently their binding thread according to Sasha) came by and what do you know, it was actually pleasant. All I can remember in order: Celeste, Mohammad, Micah, Sasha, Mani, Dharmesh (gimped me the day prior when I invited him to sit down -- said he was eating with Amelia -- I should've asked to join him instead), and a new person, Bunny, though altogether I do not anticipate seeing Bunny again. Went down an hour and a half later to watch Into the Spiderverse in the Hitchcock Lounge and what do you know, I sat in the back seats instead of up front side by side with them. The first half was okay. Still pleasant. But the second half after I had gotten to get some water was just grating. Marina left Mani's phone charger on the table and I decided to wait by until he came, and then later when I saw he was in the lobby of the Porter C building, I grabbed it for him. Mani wasn't alone out there. Turns out he'd been talking to Dharmesh and Mohammad for some time. I overheard planning for a day trip to San Jose. Apparently Dharmesh has been going through some rough stuff. I said goodnight and they said goodnight back and as I walked into the dark foggy night I felt a bloom of envy or jealousy or both suffuse in me. Dharmesh, handsome and dorky and fragile as he is, seems to have a social affordance that grants him that latter attribute. I meanwhile have to steel my skin and fuse my skin against fire -- and apathy. A tiny part of me felt bad for feeling envious, but the rest of me felt vindicated. The rest of me felt the simple and subtle truth that I had no support network. I'm six months into a new place and feel just as isolated as I was during orientation week. Now, I'll tell you, there are certain factors that've changed in that time. Ezra and co. particularly remain open the next quarter. But for the Hitchcock Lounge, barring Ava and Keanna, I simply see no future with them. Intuitively and cognitively I know this lack of a support network is my fault. Family a phone call away, high school friends a Discord chat away; I just don't reach out. Fine. So be it, me at 1:48. So damn be it.