#computer
I can't draw up a clear picture of the people I get validation from. Not for lack of trying. It's because validation is slotted with one person at a time, and apparent rejection or judgment cuts deeper than otherwise would be. As you know, putting all your eggs in one basket is just asking for trouble. It's a wonder I haven't burned my hands to the bone with all this insecurity and all this work trying to smother it out. I wonder when I'll be "over" this. Maybe that wonder, that question, that meta-problem, is incorrectly scoped. Is fighting insecurity so monolithic and monocausal that I could imagine a sufficiently clear thought and strike it down in one blow? Or is my insecurity systematic and pervasive and emergent, in a way altogether more similar to how my mind works than I would let myself believe? Perhaps the personification of validity is itself a farce; an illusion; a lullaby for me to yearn to as I drift off to sleep.
Breakfast was alright. It wasn't anything dramatically different seeing it was just the normal American platter the dining halls make. Eggs, bacon, tater tots; and I had some almond doubleberry oatmeal as well. Hiked up through the Redwood Apartments to class, which was tepid: our TA was out for the day and the tutor really didn't cover much, so we left early. Truthfully I've just been using this day as another weekend day. Unfortunately that also means I've just been on the computer most of the day. I did go for a night walk to try my hand at long-exposure photography, though.
Talked to Mubashir today. "Talked" is a generous term. I said hi, he said hi, I asked him how his weekend went, he went silent, I ducked out of there. Sasha claims it's the Beyonce he blasts through his AirPods. I didn't even know he had AirPods, let alone played music with such frequency and volume to block out the world. After all, I know next to nothing about him. I could just be taking this too personally. I do still think this won't work out. All these grating qualities — sorry, I had to say it as it is — aren't just random. I have to assume they tie deep down into his confidence. That I don't have.