I am rising to remember -- rusted iron shackles clanging and clanking -- I am rising to remember today.
Bear with me. These scraps are all I have. For now.
Breakfast at 8:30. Met with Sasha a bit. Met Richard Paseman, a fiercely intelligent young man. We talked about robotics and, in his terminology, (narrow) consumer automation.
Walked to Discussion Section for Psyc 120 (Visual and spatial cognition) at the Earth and Marine building at 10:10. No discussion section, it turned out. Ugh. Walked back to dorm. Snagged some ice from Porter Dining and made some iced coffee.
Spent the off hours following up on the hanging branches of Ladon and Orange in my original working doc. I've been Looming with Llama-3-405b through OpenRouter. Slower than cd2 and davinci-002 but it's at about the same level of quality, I think.
Took the bus to Psyc 100 lecture in Classroom Unit 1. Talked to Dillon a little bit. Turns out he's having issues with parking. Found out at the end of class we don't share lab/discussion sections but I'm hoping I can snag a few more conversations with him.
Stayed at McHenry Library in the interim waiting for Discussion Section for Linguistics 50 at Social Science 1 145. Huge mistake. I did get some reading in with a magazine of Reader's Digest, but my god, the hike up from the library to College 9 was HELLISH. Constant uphill. I keep thinking I don't need a BCycle membership until I start walking uphill and it's like... well, shit.
I made it up there of course, and for what? The Linguistics section didn't have a TA there either. (Why have the doors unlocked?) And I checked the syllabus and, lo and behold, no meetings until next week. At least I got to check out the place. It's small.
I took the bus back to the dorm. I had to.
I'm sorry for being so negative. It's coloring all this with cornflower blue.
Then again, it was real.
Then again, it was a horribly hot day today. 91 F at the maximum. 75%+ humidity, easy. Bright gold yellow. A lovely afternoon. If I could just keep my eyes open to see it.
Dorm. Again. Tried to unwind. Dinner at 6:20. Chicken pho. Good salinity but underseasoned, again. Wandered around looking for Sasha. Met Sasha eventually with their Cornucopia(?) friend group, a massive circle of 9 or 10 people, so massive they cannibalized some seats around the perimeter to fuel their gastric and correspondent consumptions. Oy, I am getting ugly.
In any event there was no space for me. I sat at the adjacent table. I'll tell you the symbolism was overt. A small little table, a single chair, my half-eaten bowl of pho. I tried to get some for-later articles in Pocket in my head, but all I could hear from my left ear was their chatter and chatter and chatter. Eventually I wrapped up, leaving most of the broth behind, and checked the time. I turned to leave. Sasha said -- what was it? -- sorry, or maybe not sorry, some kind of observation about my isolated state. I got up. Camera over the shoulder. Red water bottle clutched like an aqueous lifeline in my left hand. The bowl in my right. I gave Sasha a brittle half-smile. What else could I muster? What else should've I tried to say? That friend groups clearly have a critical period, and this ADHD-addled bunch had no more room for me? I am no better, clearly; my inattention knows no bounds; yet I am unlucky only in my timing. There is no more parsimonious explanation for my dull social luster. I walked off fast. Whatever facsimile of a smile that was, it fell from my features aided only but gravity. Set the bowl away on the conveyor belts. And then walked to Psyc 120 lecture in Kresge alone. I did not even bring my laptop, my backpack. Class turned out fine. I was familiar with at least half of it. It went on as it went on. Class ended with attendance. And I walked back to my dorm.
I'm thinking of getting ready early tonight. Normally I brush my teeth and change 10:30. But I am exhausted today. This is not all too much; it is as much as I expected. I just wish I could see it through, a bit better.